4/29/16

4 Lies Depression Told Me




Depression is powerful. And it's a liar. I'm sure the lies we hear depend on the individual. I don't see how there can be recovery if you still believe in the lies. Here are four lies that my depression used to play on the repeat setting, for years.


1. What do you have to be so depressed about?

This was a big one for me. To the world, my life was charmed. I had a successful husband, two healthy kids, a big house, I was a stay at home mom, we had no real debt, etc. For a very long time (probably years) I wouldn't even entertain the word depression to describe my feelings. The problem with this denial is that if you don't recognize there is a problem, it cannot be fixed. I felt my feelings of inadequacy and sadness were a result of my brokenness (see Lie #3) and I just needed to get myself together. The harder I tried to "get over it" the deeper I sunk into the depression. I just didn't know it.

2. I am not worthy.

One reason I believe it is so hard to heal from Depression is because you believe so deeply that you are not worthy. Not worthy of happiness. Not worthy of healing. Not worthy of love. It's almost impossible to fight for something (including your life) if you don't feel you are worthy to experience such things. I think this has something to do with why YOU have to want to live for yourself, not the people in your life, if you hope to find healing.

3. I am broken and I cannot be fixed.

There is no hope for someone who believes they "cannot be fixed". This is where you want to give up because you truly believe you will always be drowning in the darkness. Insert Lies #1 and #2 here to support Lie #3.

4. Suicide is the solution.

For me, I reached the place where I just wanted to stop the never ending pain, the crushing darkness and hopelessness. You start to believe that ending your life is the only way to accomplish this. I know people say suicide is the most selfish act and I'm not going to lie, I really struggle with that statement. When you are wrestling with suicidal thoughts, you are sick not selfish. You are hurting. And you honestly believe that every one else is better off without you. You really believe that.

Depression is all-consuming and very deceitful. You're mentally exhausted from trying to fight the constant destructive thoughts. You feel nothing you say or do will matter. You are so overwhelmed by the tiniest tasks in life.

The struggle is awful. But it can get better. I imagine the path to healing is different for each person. Wanting to live for everyone else only got me so far. It kept me from succeeding but it did not keep the thoughts of suicide away.

Honestly, I don't know what changed for me. At some point, I decided I wanted to live for me. Then things started to fall into place. I believed I deserved to get better. I had been in extensive therapy for a long time and ideas from those sessions started to click. I started working and was doing well, which helped my confidence greatly. My mantra became, "Just Breathe". I would literally say those two words out loud whenever I was overwhelmed. I realized there were people in my life who loved me and I was not alone. I also began talking to others about my struggles.

There is no shame in Depression. No one thinks being depressed sounds like a good plan for the day. It is an uphill battle where you are grasping for any glimpse of hope for healing.

Now that depression is behind me, I am changed. The pain and numbness is something I hope I never forget. It is because of these struggles that I know who I am, what I'm capable of and what matters most to me. I am so grateful for my "Not Perfect" life. I'm thankful to live in a time where medications were available to help me through the hardest times of my life. And I'm thrilled it has been almost 3 years since I've needed to take those meds. I really believe it is the "little things" that matter. As my children grow, I am constantly reminded that I almost missed out on all of these experiences and again I am filled with thankfulness.

I wish Depression did not exist, but it does. I hope in some way my story will encourage another person to "Just Breathe" and keep fighting. Sadly, not everyone overcomes Depression and this breaks my heart. The fight is worth the effort. Life on the other side of Depression is a beautiful thing.

Depression lies to us. I shared a few that played over and over for me. What other lies is Depression capable of spreading?

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