4/19/16

Depression. Divorce. New Dawn.




Recently, I've mentioned many times that I've had to "start over", "begin again". I've mentioned I'm divorced in passing and currently living a content and happy life. I have not mentioned some of the things that brought me to this place. I've glossed over the sad, difficult parts and skipped to the new, strong, independent, happy me. There's nothing wrong with that. I just want to take a few moments and share some of the painful steps along the way. Mine is not a complete story without them.

Java Talk started in 2011. I enjoyed writing each day. Sharing stories about the Mini's, recipes and other fun topics that I encountered in my daily life. I loved when someone would tell me they read my latest post. Who would have thought I had anything to share that would matter to anyone else?

2012 was the beginning of a very difficult time for me. I struggled greatly with depression and even made an attempt at suicide just to make the constant pain go away. For many months, I fought an all-consuming and exhausting battle, for everyone but me.

During this fight for my will to live, I determined I needed a divorce. I was never going to get healthy if I stayed in my marriage. Once you know something, you can't un-know it. The problem was I believed divorce was wrong. I can't leave, it would be morally wrong. Then there was the logistics. How could I leave? Where would I go with no money and no job? What about my kids?

The truth is, no part of divorce was easy for me. I hate that my children live in two homes. I feel guilty they are children of divorce. But I truly believe if I had stayed, I most likely would not be here today. Divorce should not be an easy option. Relationships are hard and require work. I was married 13 years and I had reached a point where I could not put any more of myself into the situation.

Once I made the decision to go, I had to figure out how. As I mentioned above, I had no income and almost no work experience. I felt so trapped.

Fast forward a few months and I did what I had to do. I found a job and a place to live. When I had the kids I was ok. When the kids were with their dad, it was awful. The quiet. The emptiness. The depression telling me I don't deserve to live, to be a mom, to make a new life.

It was ugly. The hardest thing I've ever done. And one day, I simply (I say simply but there was nothing simple about it) decided I wanted to live...for me. Not for my kids. Not for my parents. I was finally fighting to live for me.

Every day I am so glad that I was able to make that choice. Today, in 2016, I know I am a good mom (I did not say perfect). A healthy mom. I'm in a happy and healthy relationship with a man who loves me just as I am. I learned to love myself in a way I never could before.

Today, I am thankful for each new morning. I feel guilt because my kids almost had to grow up without their momma. They would have survived and adjusted, but I never would have been replaced.

Divorce is an ugly thing. For me, I believe it was necessary. I am happier than I've ever been in my life but there is a cost. Being divorced comes with challenges. Some I may share over time, some maybe not. I share my kiddos 50/50 with their dad so I will have contact with him for many years to come. One thing I want to be clear about, he has always been a good dad who is very involved with the kids. This post isn't about him. It's about my struggles to finally know and love who I am.

My new status on official paperwork is "Divorced". It's not an easy road, but it's part of my journey. It is a portion of my story that has led to such a beautiful place in my life where I am learning more and more how to find the Joy in the Journey.

Thank you for joining me on this journey.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

6 comments :

  1. I love the fact that I have been able to follow you on your journey. I am so proud of you. You have come a long way. I'm very lucky to call you my friend. xoxo

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    1. Dana, thank you for your kind words. Java Talk has had a hand in my healing. It was a place to express the darkness. I noticed that the posts about depression where the posts read by more people. I want people to know they are not alone in this battle. Others are suffering too. And most importantly, there is healing.

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  2. Nicely written! Who we are today is a definite reflection of our past.

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    1. Thank you Jamie. We all have a story. And the past does shape who we are. But we decide it it will define who we are :).

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  3. I really enjoyed your post. You should remember that you are not alone. There are millions of women that have gone through the same circumstances and realize that they have to make a change for their own peace of mind. Often, it is just a matter of stepping out of their comfort zone. Taking that first step is the hardest.

    Gilbert @ McCormick Divorce Solutions

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    Replies
    1. Gilbert, thank you for reading as well as your words of encouragement.

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